Heartaches and Tears

Question : Why does my partner seem to want different things from the relationship than I do? Answer : When my office doors open to a couple who is seeking help in their relationship, not much time elapses before it becomes apparent that they are looking at the same relationship from two different perspectives: his and hers. It's common to believe that couples' values for happiness are worlds apart. Actually, in most cases, men and women share many values they take for granted: they agree that they seek warmth, love, companionship, financial security and a safe environment to raise children. So, if they're on the same page with so many key issues, why do some couples have so many hard feelings about what they don't share? Human nature explains part of the issue. It's rare when a couple sits around and celebrates all the things they agree on, but when there's that one point of discord, it consumes a great deal of their time and attention.   Different...

How to let go of the fears that can turn a discerning dater into a serious commitment-phobe By Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Beliefnet Updated: May 29, 2008   Dear Rabbi Shmuley , I am 30 years old, and would love to meet someone, fall in love, and get married. My problem is that I'm too picky -- or at least my friends tell me I am. I have first and sometimes second dates fairly often, but there's always something that makes me end it before it gets too much more involved than that. He took a cell phone call during our date. Or he works late every night. Or he has no relationship with his family. To me, these are major red flags that he is not a man who can be devoted to a relationship without baggage or distraction. I know my standards are unreasonably high, but can you advise me on how to tell the difference between a minor human quirk and a relationship deal-breaker? -- Picky   love and fear are diametrical opposites   Hi Picky, In the back of my book...

By Addie Johnson We struggle with war, poverty, global warming, rising crime rates, and a barrage of news, hardly any of it good. We hear of people getting sick, getting divorced, or dying. Celebrities have fabulous lives, but you don't, and the "if only's" threaten to win the day: "My life would be sweet if only I were richer, more famous, thinner, younger, older, had a better job, lived in a different city..." But happiness is all around you. And it doesn't care how much money you have or the circumstances of your life. When Off to Bed, Forget the Fight Maya Angelou's brother gave her a painting with the instruction to hang it so that it was the last thing she and her husband saw before going to bed at night. So if they were in the middle of an argument, they could look at the painting and say, "Oh, stop. Whatever it was, whatever you said, forget it," and go to bed with a twinkle in their eyes. Create a Love List If I'm...

Question: Why do I feel I'm doing more for the relationship than my partner is? After the holidays, you looked at the mounds of wrapping paper surrounding your mate, then you examined your own paltry ashtray full of tissue paper. "That's not fair!" you tell yourself, "I'm tired of being the only one to give in this relationship. When do I get?" This scenario doesn't just happen during the holidays. If you're sensing there's an imbalance between what you give and what you get in the relationship, it's probably a feeling that is with you all year long. It's easy for me to explain away this problem by simply saying, "This is because you are so much more loving and thoughtful than your partner, and your mate is more ignorant and uncaring than you." Maybe that is the case. But before you jump to conclusions, consider the possibility that your partner sees him or herself as giving plenty to the relationship. He or she may also...

(Adapted) In my line of work -- family law -- I often hear the same old refrain when a client explains to me why he/she splits from a significant other. It goes like this: "I guess I didn't really know my partner after all." You might ask: How could that be? How could you have an intimate relationship with someone only to wake up one day to find out that the person you fell in love with is not the person he/she turned out to be? I believe there are at least a dozen ways to know who someone really is -- indicators -- and if we do an inventory early on, we might stand a better chance of getting to know the real person before we fully commit. The following "observance" suggestions are important ones to make in the early stages of any relationship because each offers insight into habits, patterns, and behaviors. As you ponder these observations, know that there is no right or wrong; it's a matter of acceptance. Sometimes we have to accept quirks and differences...

MAN: Our Father Who Art In Heaven. GOD: YES? MAN: Don't interrupt me. I'm praying. GOD: BUT YOU CALLED ME. MAN: Called you? No, I didn't call you. I'm praying. Our Father who art in heaven. GOD: THERE! YOU DID IT AGAIN. MAN: Did what? GOD: CALLED ME. YOU SAID, "OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN." WELL, HERE I AM. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? MAN: But, I didn't mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lord's Prayer. It makes me feel good, kind of like fulfilling a duty. GOD: WELL, ALL RIGHT. GO ON. MAN: Okay, Hallowed be Thy name... GOD: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? MAN: By what? GOD: BY "HALLOWED BE THY NAME"? MAN: It means, it means ... good grief, I don't know what it means. How in the world should I know? It's just a part of the prayer. By the way, what does it mean? GOD: IT MEANS "HONORED", "HOLY", "WONDERFUL". MAN: Hey, th...